Cat and Security

It was with great relief that I learned recently that the Department of Homeland Security reaffirmed its risk assessment of Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam. I speak on behalf of many in saying that his presence here last summer accounted for some of the most chilling hours in recent memory. I saw it in the faces of the children, whose little lives were put on hold as this terrible man was kept in custody until finally whisked away back to England. Truth be told, I’ve always feared Stevens and have kept a close eye on his so-called “songs,” listening to, meditating on, remote viewing each of them repeatedly.

My friends, I am prepared to disclose that in Stevens’ songs are encoded messages. Take “Peace Train,” for example. When played backwards, “peace train” begets “niart ecaep,” a phrase that curiously has no meaning in any of the thousands of languages that cover the face of the earth. And when I did a Google search nothing came up, an impossible feat. But going for broke--with reckless abandon for my life--I took a deeper look. I’ve discovered that “niart ecaep” comes closest to the Russian phrase for “Salad bar,” which is not far off from “Saladin.” Lock your doors, things get spookier.

In my research, I have learned that in the early 70s, Rhyme Encoded Messaging (REM for short), became the method of choice for militants to send covert messages through public media. The long established method of Metaphors Encoded Messaging was discarded by then, mainly because people no longer knew what a metaphor was, let alone take direction from one. At last, operation “public education” bore fruit, as we thought it might. (I remember our campaign poster, "It's stupidity, stupid!" But I regress.) So notice how “train” rhymes with “pain. Notice also in the song “Where do the Children Play” how the word “play” rhymes with “pray.” And don’t Muslims pray a lot? Must I say more?

I finally feel that the security brains of our nation have dedicated themselves to worthy projects, far more effective than resource-draining crap, like guarding our borders and inspecting the millions of crates that come in every year. In the long run, a famous convert to Islam, a white guy to boot, is far more dangerous than any explosive. So let it be known to those entertainers who secretly wish to make a religious move, they’d be better off with scientology, numerology, and cryptology.

Come late spring, I’ll go public with a fuller report on Stevens that I suspect will conclude with the recommendation that we immediately ban all of his music. Hopefully, morning will have been broken, and we’ll be safe again. Over and out, for now.